Recently it was announced that Bennifer (aka Jennifer Garnder’s husband Ben Affleck) would be the new Batman in the next Superman sequel starring Henry Cavill, being directed by Zack Snyder. This threw me for a bit of a loop. Not so much that Affleck is being cast as The Dark Knight, but rather why are they intertwining Batman in a sequel to Superman? Has Warner Brother’s just gone the way of marketing and 3D consumption that they just can’t work on any new ideas? Will Wonder Woman stop by… without the benefit of her own movie? So, below is my appeal to what this future storyline could be that brings Batty and Soupy together… I wrote this in full stream of consciousness…
But before I begin…
I’d like to dedicate this piece to Adam West… the only Batman who really knew how to camp it up, and who knew the limits of body armor and the ‘shear’ thrill of lycra and spandex.
Bennifer is cast as Batman in the new Superman sequel? I guess Batman finally got a throat lozenge to cure his Bea Arthur larynx. I wonder if Batman is gonna twerk now?
How will Ben fit in with all the angst and misery that all the latest crop of super humans portray in these modern spin offs of comic book classic heroes? I guess Affleck can recall some IBS incidents in his method. How… awkward… Warner Brothers I guess has totally given up on developing story lines and is just going for sales. Next year will be nothing but TMZ photos of Affleck working out with Matthew McConaughey. Suddenly, this is all turning into a Men’s Health live action movie.
Maybe Ben’s the better choice… if he’s playing an aging Batman, you know maybe one in his late 40’s coming to terms with his need to wear costumes and have a duality… maybe it will be a gay storyline.
I imagine a dapper Joseph Gordon-Levitt will open the movie by having a press conference telling the world that Robin aka Nightwing, is really gay and that it’s been a burden he’s been hiding his entire life and that if it wasn’t for a certain “Daddy” who picked up “this Orphan Boy” from the “dark circus” that he grew up in, he would have been dead from drugs years ago. By his side is Batgirl, played by a quirky and batty Zooey Deschanel.
As the aging Bruce Wayne sits in his dark and gloomy palatial estate, looking miserable with his 5 O’Clock shadow and jug of bourbon, he realizes that his closeted, homosexual lifestyle really sucks. I mean, one of the main reasons why Catwoman is such a raging b*tch is because the only people that want to f*ck her are homicidal maniacs and the sweet sensitive touch, but cold demeanor of Batman/Bruce Wayne just doesn’t cut it anymore. After Nightwing’s coming out, (which is based on Gotham City’s ‘Stop the Bullying’ campaign), Serena Kyle (aka Catwoman played by the insufferable Anne Hathaway) pays a visit to old Bruce just to see him in a pathetic homorepressive conundrum. She outs him to his face “you were screwing fly boy this entire time… weren’t you… weren’t you… WEREN’T YOU!!!???” Totally unproductive and lacked that Oprah quality that would make a homo jump for joy on a couch… (fyi, she sings “Weren’t you, Weren’t you” totally in real time like in Les Miserables… except she’s not getting raped as she’s singing… maybe Michelle Pfieiffer is still the better choice..).
Now, in Metropolis, we have some other scandals going on. Clark Kent (aka Superman played by super sexy Henry Cavill) is totally flustered with his new job being a reporter… so he’s given an easy assignment which is, “Is Batman a raging homosexual”… it’s a page 6 type piece. Kent, being a secret superhero himself, decides to embark on investigating this story, which Lois Lane totally pressures him to do, because she too is a raging b*tch who is never sexually satisfied and clearly hates homosexuals. So Kent, who has daddy issues and mommy issues and constantly feels out of place and has totally raging hormones, decides he’ll take this story on.
Luckily for both Kent and Wayne, their lives will come colliding together because a bunch of dickwad bad guys start wanting to take people hostage and threaten the fabrics of society and do crazy sh*t in Gotham, just as Kent is arriving. (Btw, I’ve always wonder just how far apart Gotham is from Metropolis… maybe like 2 hours drive?)
So, Batman is somehow forced out of homo-hiding due to the fact that Selina Kyle totally put him on the spot by saying he was a homo, so he has to prove he’s a man by finding any bad guy in an alley and beating the sh*t out of him, even though part of him wants to f*ck them.
Nightwing is so over the grandstanding, and he’s totally becoming the total sausage consumer by getting his freak on at all of Gotham’s hottest man-love clubs. But while caught in some action sling of man-mercy, he gets kidnapped by some of the bad guys, their names are really quite pointless to even reproduce.
So, there’s some evening gala. This is the only time Zooey Deschanel, errr, Barbra Gordon (aka Batgirl) gets a chance to quietly talk to Bruce Wayne, because Bruce Wayne really can only be reached by a woman while in public at a fundraiser at a grand ballroom, on the dance floor… because Wayne loves to dance and loves to dance with a woman to keep up his image. So Zooey, errr, Barbra, tells Bruce something like, “I’m like, so, so worried about Dick… I mean… not only is he acting a bit tragic with all of his anal needs… but he’s been like… kidnapped. I think he needs you now more than ever.”
This totally doesn’t affect Wayne in the positive, rather, he smashes his bourbon, throws a scene and looks like a lunatic. Oh, he cuts himself on the broken glass…
In walks the dashing, yet awkward, Clark Kent, who immediately tends to Bruce’s wounds and they immediately feel this sort of warm chemistry between them that can’t be explained (well it sort of can, but you know, everything is a soap opera…)
Kent takes Wayne back to the coat room, which is what people do in the movies all the time if you want privacy from the ballroom, and they share a sort of moment together. (I totally stole this from Gossip Girl).
Kent sort of reminds Wayne of Dick Grayson and all his incarnations, but a little older, but still conflicted… and he has that Orphan thing going for him, like most superheroes on the edge do.
So various battles ensue with Batman and these hostage bad guys who really don’t have a specific reason as to why they cause terror, but I’m starting to assume it’s because they’re all latent homosexuals.
Superman now enters the mix because Batman is such a raging alcoholic, like most conflicted old queens, but Nightwing is still missing in some sling somewhere.
There’s a few more scenes with Kent and Wayne bumping into one another, and finally Kent brazenly goes over to Wayne’s mansion and asks him all these questions because he’s already suspecting Wayne is Batman, well, cause, he has X-ray vision so he can totally see through his stupid costume… he even knows if his cock swings to the left or the right, and he sees how Batman/Wayne gets sexually aroused when he fights and how he goes limp when Catwoman shows up or Batgirl strolls on in and how whenever anyone mentions “Where’s Nightwing?” “What’s up with Robin?” “Have you seen Dick?” Wayne gets both an enormous boner and his heart rate increases and all this body chemistry stuff gets revved up. So, Kent totally is onto Wayne and sort of finesses the interview to his advantage and gets a little sexual and a little #NASTIIIEEEE with his innuendo’s towards Wayne…
Before Kent leaves the Wayne Mansion, old house Queen slash butler Alfred (played by the devilishly sassy Sir Michael Caine) let’s Kent know that Kent is onto something and to call him sometime for tea and crumpets.
So, finally the bad guys, well I guess I should cast some of them… played by Javier Bardem, Michael Shannon and Wentworth Miller, are all about to blow up the city and sh*t, and Wentworth Miller has convinced Nightwing to come to the dark side and join forces with them, because they tripped on Molly a few times and feel all bonded and are totally f*cking each other… to the chagrin of irreverent Zooey Deschanel who is, of course, Batgirl “never a bride, always a bat… damn I chipped a nail…”
Catwoman is still being a raging b*tch but leads Batman and Superman to the lair of where all the bad guys are hanging out and doing whatever diabolical things they do.
So there’s fighting and punching and major CGI stuff going on, but finally there’s this epic moment where Batman turns to Nightwing, who is totally in sync with Wentworth, and is like “why are you doing this? We fought so long for justice! By each other’s side! Why? Why? WHY???” And so Nightwing is like, “Yes we fought many battles together, but there is one battle you forgot to fight… the battle for me. For us. Our love.” Which is totally latently homosexual that Catwoman vomits from all the queerness in the room (which we now realize is her suppressed lesbianism).
So Batman rips off his mask (like this is more affective to see his haggard bitter Queen face with running mascara) and he pleads with Nightwing that he does love him and he needs him… that he completes him. But Nightwing is like, a young free spirit now and he doesn’t need anymore mentorship and his hormones are just amplified to the max, and Wentworth is hot, so he’s like, “too late old man…” and him and his sexy man-pussy Wentworth disappear into the dilapidated metropolis, which still looks inviting to them.
So, confused, bothered and bewildered, Bruce Wayne sobs like a baby… all beat up, ripped up costume… totally feeling outed and like a total sexual fraud… but Superman comes over and puts his hand on Wayne’s shoulder and is like, “look… I understand what you’re going through… I too have a duality about me… With these powers that I have, I am capable of so much but know so little as to the plight of humanity… But I know comfort is one of the greatest gifts I can give you… now more than ever…”
With that Superman starts caressing Wayne and they seriously make out and it’s insinuated that they are totally gonna f*ck like animals… cause Superman is essentially bisexual.
And Lois Lane is still a f*cking b*tch, played by Amy Adams… who is no Margot Kidder.