Why I kind of hate everyone right now (4/6/08)

I don’t know what it is, me or the times, but I really can’t stand most of the people around me… lol… and I consider myself quite the people person.
See, I love conversation, I love connecting with folks, even if nothing is being said. I like feeling as if life is engaging and worth every minute of it. Ever spend an evening at a camp fire? It gets lonely when you’re the last person left to put out the flames.
Life was quite nice as a kid because I lived out in the woods… I sang to the trees… I went on hikes and long walks with my family. Of course, there was always some underline depression perhaps (you learn later in life, ‘oh, mom and dad WERE having difficulties’, then it all makes sense).
There was something very uncorrupted about my upbringing.
Ok, so you can gather from my latest posts that I obviously broke it off with someone. And here’s the deal, the relationship really, really impacted me. Breaking it off was like, a death. Really, I still can’t make heads or tails of it. And it was sort of mutual… I basically wanted him to go back to how he was, all reasonable and adorable, and he wanted to be able to get away with being irresponsible and doing a lot of drugs… so it was many frustrating conversations with the impending thoughts that “this boat is sinking”.
I basically met someone I knew had some issues, but you know, we all do… some seem greater than others. Some grow up in functional well intended homes and grow up hating themselves and have eating disorders… others grow up going from foster home to foster home but somehow have a good head on their shoulders… it’s all unique and different for everyone.
Well, I fell for someone with some issues. He tried to assure me he really didn’t have a drug problem, but I can’t but help think that was the case. Within 3 months our situation went from the single best relationship I’ve ever had to absolute chaos. I can only attribute this to drugs.
Why so vague? Well, his personality was changing. He was becoming defensive over nothing. Secretive. He was ditching “someone who meant more to him” than his baby’s momma and family members… that being me…
It all felt so damn real. Could it have just be some con or dream??? Man, we would walk all over the place. Sometimes we’d be in the apt for days just being with each other, then realize, ok, movement should happen, then just start off. My walk was much slower now. No rush. I felt so content and relaxed. And I felt as if he was really blossoming, you know, I felt he was safe with me, I think he felt safe, it was really quite nice. Conversations until the next day… I was happy, even when fatigued… avoided my mail… avoided the computer… avoided anything dressed up for the consumer. Sometimes he’d rent the same movie over and over… I’d be like, “why?” His response, “well we liked it the last couple times…” and you know, with anyone else, this would annoy me and spark and argument about the lack of creativity… but not with him. It’s like he was pulling everything I value out of the closet. It was like we were reliving the same moments over and over because those precious moments worked.
What I hate right now, is I’m basically in mourning. And it’s at this point friends are suppose to be of help. And well, they aren’t.
Some don’t want to be around anything negative. They have cliched responses
“Oh, you can do so much better”
“He’s not into you”
“Grow up”
“Go out and find someone else tonight” “Sounds like you’re obsessed”
“You’re seeking these people out, go to therapy for that”
“It’s just toxic”
to just “forget him and move on”. It’s like we live in the Voo Doo culture in which pain is either self-inflicted because of a bad childhood or you can just shoo emotions away cause anything negative is meaningless and is rubbish and should be eliminated. I blame this all on that horse shit called THE SECRET. “Hey, my country was bombed today..” “Well, secretly you allowed that, WILLED that to happen… gotta run.”
We’re talking about someone I felt might be in my life for a year or much longer. I’m not saying “the one”, but you know, it kind of felt like that. It did feel like, this COULD be the one. We’re also talking about a person, not the next contestant on Celebrity realities or a tv talk show which sizes life long struggles down to a 4 minute segment. We’re talking about me and not a computer with the delete bin.
So I’m dealing with breaking up, worrying about someone with a drug problem, trying to figure out if there is or was anything I could have done, and how to walk away from it all… and also, if he comes back into my life, how to deal with that. It’s a lot and I get all scatter brained trying to make sense of it all.
And I know, I could put this in perspective and think of all the famine in the world and how good I have it. Does this mean I rejoice over the plight of others?
I had one friend who had taken the only photo of the two of us. She refused to send it to me, “I knew he was trouble”. She hardly ever had a conversation with him. Upon pressing the issue some more, she said, “I deleted the photo, the same way you should delete him from your life.”
Whether he’s a bastard or a saint, I wanted that memory.
I don’t know where society is headed… all this instant gratification, all this instant food, instant relationship, instant internet hook-up, text message break-up, join a class, lose the weight, change the hair…
For however fucked up my relationship was, I never had someone who made me feel so good when it was good. He didn’t judge my appearance. He didn’t set a time for the day to end or begin. That is what I clung to. I also clung to the fact that someone I know has a problem.
It really ruined me to see how drugs just zapped all those good times and he became a denying prick. Accusatory, defensive, irresponsible, and vulgar. It was like he died.
So when I looked for support, its just that, support… not more accusations, defensiveness, witchcraft, or instant gratification.
How can anything in life have any meaning unless you allow it to have meaning?
I’m sorry, death happens and loss happens, to just avoid the hurt all together I think shows you’re a shit of a human being.
I’d hate to think after my death everyone just went to the movies or shopping.
Oh yeah, what did Bush say after the terror attacks… don’t let terrorism rule us? Go out shopping… spend money… blah blah blah…
Maybe if we mourned a bit more we would have thought a bit more… thought about what death and violence mean to us.
Humans are flawed… and they can generally be extremely stupid.
This isn’t helping my mourning process.
The sweetest thing a person can say is, “you’re gonna get through this, I know you will” and sincerely mean it.
To say that line like Bette Davis chopping at the bit does nobody no good.

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